Reality Check

Chemo #9 is progressing well. I have made it through my days of exhaustion and am enjoying feeling "normal". On Monday, Maman (Pierre's mom) and I were busy cleaning the house which felt so good to do. It is amazing how enjoyable that can feel after a few days of not being able to even hold your head up from being so tired. As I dusted around the house, Emma Nicholas and I played hide and seek. Such cuties!

I also enjoy these good weeks when I am able to take the kids to daily mass, bring them to their ballet and swimming lessons....etc. You know, the normal things a mom does!

As the possible end approaches for my chemo treatments I am finding myself getting more nervous. I am trying to prep myself for whatever the outcome will be - things haven't shrunk and I will need 4 more treatments plus radiation.....or that we are done.

Last night we found out that a young mother (who Pierre went to college with) just died of cancer. We found her blog site and began reading her journey. It was very hard to read, especially as she described her past two weeks of her health deteriorating more and more. Afterwards I had a good cry. It was a good reality check for me, especially when I am feeling so good and sometimes forget I need to be careful about germs, etc. The most painful thought for me is not the possibility of my death, but the possibility that my husband and children would have to experience the death of their wife and mother and how hard it would be for them. This thought brings me to tears every time.

This Lent while praying the rosary, I have meditated a lot on the sorrowful mysteries and have really identified with the pain Christ would have felt in the garden of Gethsemene. How much he too would have wanted to protect his mother and disciples from the pain of witnessing his suffering and death. Yet he still chose to do the will of his Father in Heaven and so must I....whatever it is.

Last night, after reading that blog, I had "cancer" dreams all night long. I woke up a few times crying - they seemed so real.

I am looking forward to really entering into the Tridium. Thank goodness for our faith as these struggles or difficulties are not just something that I have to endure - I can offer them up for my family and for you. Nothing is wasted - not even suffering.

Thank you again for all your comments in the guest book. I can't even begin to describe how much they mean to me! Know that I am praying for you throughout this holy week.